The Best Gifts . . .

are the ones we didn't expect.

I was recently found. I certainly wasn’t lost, but my existence was unbeknownst to some significant people in my life. So, here’s the back story ~

At birth, I was given up for adoption. My mother was 17 when she had me and she knew she could not provide the kind of life she wanted for me. My adoptive parents were stationed in California where I was born. I was placed in their care at four months old and one year later I was legally theirs forever. They tried to explain to me that I was adopted when I was very young, but it didn’t quite register. When they again told me at ten years old, I got it. I was a happy camper. I felt blessed that I didn’t grow up in the system and instead had wonderful parents who loved me. I never felt abandoned, nor did I ever feel like I missed out on anything because I didn’t know my “real” parents. I understand that not every adoptee feels this way, and that is okay, but this is my story. My family had the normal dysfunctions common to most families, we were far from perfect, but pretty darn close to ideal.

Although I wondered about my birth parents, I never really had a desire to find them. My identity has never been dependent on who these people were or are. I embraced who I was as a child of God and the heritage I received from the parents who raised me. Once when I was nursing my older daughter, I wondered if my mother had ever had the chance to hold me like I was holding my firstborn. I always had a sense that her choice to give me up was for the most unselfish reasons and for that I wanted to thank her. And now I’ve been able to do just that.

Considering I was born in the 60’s, it’s unusual that I had quite a bit of identifying information about my legal identity before adoption. Not knowing how accurate the information was, I decided to take a test. So, a few years ago, I spit into a tube and sent it off to find out. Some of the information was spot on, but there was so much more to my ethnicity than I could have imagined.

Fast forward to March of this year. I received a message from someone who also took the DNA test, and we were matched as a first cousin or closer. We exchanged some information and to our amazement and delight, we discovered that we are half-sisters. Because we both grew up as only children, to say we are excited to have a sibling is an understatement. She did not know about me. Our mother had told her husband, (my sister’s father), about me, but they never felt it necessary to tell my sister. My sister being the gracious person she is, was only concerned about our mother and the heartache the silent secret brought to her life. She completely understood why they didn’t tell her, and she is very happy to know now. We’ve been chatting ever since. It has been a love fest. My mother and my sister are lovely human beings, full of kindness, thoughtfulness, and grace. I spent last week with them and their families, and it was wonderful! I look forward to spending the rest of my life getting to know them.

Amidst all the beauty in my life, I’ve experienced heartaches, tragedies, and difficulties on my journey. Sometimes I felt tested beyond my ability to cope, but with God, I miraculously made it through, and I can truthfully say I’ve come out the other side a much better version of myself. With all sincerity, I could have gone my whole life without meeting my mother and knowing I had a sister, and my life would be full and happy. Now that it has happened ~ well I cry many happy tears at this incredible blessing. I often tell God that I haven’t enough breath in my body to thank Him sufficiently for the wonderful gifts He has bestowed upon me. He brought to me my beloved Mommie and my darling sister and it was a gift I didn’t even ask for.

There is so much more to this story, but it isn’t only mine to tell. I know not everyone’s adoption story has the same joyful outcome. I’m sharing because my prayer is that my story will give others hope in their circumstances whatever they may be.

Listening . . .

to others.

Jasper

A life with horses is one of my little girl dreams. Being an Army brat and stationed around the world didn’t lend itself to having and riding horses and I’m sure my parents couldn’t have afforded it at that time anyway. I had two model horses, one was chestnut colored and the other a black foal. All plastic, no hair to brush, and no moving parts. They were displayed in various places around my bedroom and at times were the trusty steeds of my Barbies.

The chestnut has a broken leg and the black foal’s coat is chipped, kept in a box for sentimental safekeeping with about a dozen horses that my two daughters accumulated throughout their childhood ~ yes, they were horse crazy too. As the girls were growing up, they took advantage of every pony ride in town and when financially feasible, they took lessons. I delighted in their love of and enjoyment of riding and lived out my little girl dreams through them.

Now I’m living the dream for myself. I regularly ride a horse named Jasper. He belongs to someone else, but I get to love on him and ride him. As with most things I do in my life, I go all in and I learn as much as possible. You see, all these years I wasn’t riding, I still read books about horses, watched movies and documentaries about horses, and went on trail rides whenever and where ever. Among the books I’ve read, my favorite is called “Horse Speak” by Sharon Wilsie. She’s an expert on the language of horses and teaches others how to converse with horses in their language instead of our own. I’ve read, studied, practiced, and it works ~ all the time.

I went to the barn today to ride Jasper, but I didn’t. Jasper has been having issues with soreness. He is 19 years old and still fit, but sometimes he hurts. He is such a sweet animal that I could have tacked him up and ridden him and he would have done a good job, because that’s the kind of horse he is. But I vowed that any relationship I had with a horse would be a partnership and he very clearly communicated to me that he didn’t want anything on his back. So . . . I listened. I put away his tack, finished grooming him, hand walked him around the property, let him graze a bit, and then put him in his paddock. As much as I love riding, I love more that I have a relationship with this 1200-pound beast that trusts me and trusts my love for him.

This made me wonder if I’m listening to the people in my life as well as I listen to the horses at the barn. In this age of social media, people have a lot to say, but are we listening? Even when we don’t agree with one another, are we truly listening, truly trying to understand another’s point of view, or quick to tune out what doesn’t sound like us?

I’m going to take a lesson from my relationship with Jasper ~ I vow to listen more, judge less and talk less, and truly lend my heart and mind to understanding.

Hugs & smiles!

Flourish . . .

regardless of the conditions.

This is my word for the year.  A word to help me focus on being who I’m meant to be and doing the things I’m meant to do.

Gardenias are my favorite blossoms.

My favorite definition of this word is “to grow or develop in a healthy or vigorous way, especially as the result of a particularly favorable environment”.  However, the journey I have been on has taught me that I can flourish regardless of the environment.

Even as I navigated for two decades in a mostly unsettled personal relationship, I learned to flourish.  In the early years, I buckled under during the difficult times.  As I allowed my heart to learn to let go of things over which I had no control, as I allowed my heart to forgive myself and others, and as I allowed myself to learn and grow from the challenges, well ~  I flourished.  In the midst of the pain and sadness, I was able to experience true joy and true peace because of the transformative love of Jesus.  It all made me a better version of myself now than I was then.  I was able to flourish despite less than favorable circumstances.

When life changed dramatically and there was very little to no drama, to say that life felt surreal at times is an understatement.  Although I was experiencing the most blissful time in my existence, something inside of me was scared that I would stagnate.  Without the conflict, would I cease to grow?  The name of my blog is “a life being refined”, referring to how the heat of fire purifies gold.  I felt like I had been in the fire, it was hot, it burned and it was painful.  But that fire burned away impurities and unwanted characteristics in me that otherwise might have remained.  And PUHLEEZ don’t think that I somehow think I am or my life is perfect, there’s still a lot of refining that needs to be done in this life for sure!

Here I am at the commencement of a new year, embarking on the next phase of my journey.  I learned that I can grow when life is calm.  So with the words from past years ~ discipline, intentional, gratitude, integrity ~ I will use the things I learned focusing on those words to help me flourish in 2017.

For the world, 2016 was tumultuous.  We’ve said goodbye to both loved ones and celebrities who touched our lives.  In the United States, the heated exchanges regarding politics were a source of much negativity.  I don’t have the ability to change the whole world, but I do have the ability to see where there is need and how I can contribute.  As I flourish, my prayer is that I will speak and act in ways that contribute to the overall betterment of my family, my community, my nation and my world.

I always welcome your insights, thoughts, and questions.  My prayers for peace, hope and love to all ~ now and in the new year.

Hugs & smiles!

25 lbs. between the two of us . . .

and other results from doing Whole30.

This is a follow-up to my previous post “15 days in”.  We made it the 30 days.  I was going to post a follow-up immediately upon completing the 30 days, but it was apparent that there was going to be a lot more to share regarding the reintroduction of foods to our reset bodies.  For details, go to http://whole30.com/.

Before I get too far, I want to preface with some thoughts on dieting.  For 10 years I was a certified group exercise leader & personal trainer.  I had to take countless hours of continuing education that related to my work, nutrition being one of the many subjects.   Many of my students/clients wanted to know the best diet to be on to effectively lose weight.  My reply was always none.  I always promoted a lifestyle of eating healthy, whole foods & moderating indulgences.  My belief was & still is that each individual is different & has different needs for their body. There truly isn’t one eating plan, magic elixir, pill, powder or exercise that works for everybody although there is marketing all over social media that would have you believe otherwise.  Although the term wasn’t used widely back in the late 80’s & 90’s, we now know that yo-yo dieting & dieting to lose weight for a short term goal (beach vacation, holiday party, wedding, etc.) is not necessarily conducive to long term health.  That being said, I have recently been in search for something to change in my eating because as I have gotten older my hormones are seriously affecting my body composition & all the usual tactics have not been working to my advantage.  I was attracted to the Whole30 program because you don’t starve yourself, you eat healthy, whole foods.  There was much I could consume before that my body no longer tolerates & this was a way to identify what those foods might be.

It’s a methodical process we must follow to reintroduce foods.  Well we kind of blew that!  The first day off, we were at a sit down dinner.  David had the prime rib, I the salmon, both plates being served up with rice pilaf (grains), freshly grated Parmesan on our salads (cheese) and Cheesecake for dessert (cheese & sugar) and wine (alcohol, sugar).  The only thing we didn’t eat was the dinner roll.  Good grief ~ so much for adding things back in methodically!  Hahahahaha!  The bad news is I got a massive headache & I haven’t a clue what of the many things I ate may have caused it.  Boo!  There is a reason for rules.  Good news is that we were back on track the next day & are trying to follow a more methodical process of reintroduction!

The tangible results after 30 days:

I lost 10 lbs.

David lost 15.

We both shrunk out of some clothes & we are maintaining.  David even needed extra holes punched into his leather belt to keep his pants up ~ good problem to have.

As I stated in my previous post, we both felt good before the program, but now we feel even better.  I can truly say that some of those cravings are completely gone.  I was all about getting back the cheese, but oddly I’m not pouncing on it like I thought I would.

If I'm going to indulge, I'm going to indulge in the foods that truly satisfy me.  I am so much better if my attitude is “I can have it if I want, but I choose not to”.  If I tell myself, “I can’t have that” then all I can think of is the very thing I can’t have until I get it.  Interesting how the psyche works.  This is how David feels about his diet cola.  He is glad that he no longer has his four a day habit, but he likes that he can have it if he wants.  If it becomes addictive then hmmm . . . we’ll see.

This program gives you tools for navigating dining out, but I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it when doing the 30 days. I did go out once with a friend for lunch.  We ate at a bistro that has a healthy menu, but I knew wouldn’t be compliant with the program.  I asked for a few accommodations which they gladly honored, but if done on a regular basis can undermine the 30 day goals.  For the few times we have gone out since that first sit-down dinner, we have done well in our choosing.  Fast food is not a problem because we just don’t go there.

Preparation is one key to success.  For us to have a satisfying & compliant lunch at work or while out running errands, we had to make sure we had food to take on the go.  That meant making extra the night before so we could have left overs the next day.  Once in the groove of making this happen, it wasn’t so hard.  A lot of people prepare all their meals for the week on one day & it makes for success.  I have yet to try it, but see the appeal for saving time during the week.

I certainly plan to stay away from gluten as I know it's effects are negative & obvious.  I also plan to wait to reintroduce gluten free pastas & breads as I suspect my body doesn’t necessarily like those processed grains either.  David ate a lot of gluten free foods just by virtue of being my husband, but he didn't avoid breads before.  Now that he realizes how much bloating was caused by bread products, he plans to keep his consumption of them to a minimum. 

Being that we love how we feel & like the results, we are committed to eating this way for the long term.  Our primary deviation is that we would like to have one day out of the week where we can moderately indulge in some of the things we like that may not contribute to us feeling at our optimum.  I guess some would call that a “cheat day” but I feel the term is too negative.  We don’t want to go off the deep end, but we do want to enjoy certain things without beating ourselves.  I’ll let you know if & how this works for us.

It will be interesting to see what changes stick through the holidays & into the new year.  If I'm feeling so inclined, I wouldn't hesitate to do the program for another 30 days.  I'm sort of a geek about the joy that comes from being disciplined ~ it probably appeals to my perfectionist nature.

If you have done the Whole30, I'd be very interested in hearing your thoughts & conclusions.  I am most especially interested in what changes you made for the long term & if you feel it is all worth the time & effort.

Hugs & smiles!

15 days in . . .

And feeling successful!

 

Whole30 program.  David and I are into it fifteen days.  In case you have no clue, here is a link to what the program is all about http://whole30.com/.

According to the website, “Think of it as a short-term nutritional reset, designed to help you put an end to unhealthy cravings and habits, restore a healthy metabolism, heal your digestive tract, and balance your immune system.”

I did not read any of the books related to the Whole30 program ~ I read everything on the website.  My chiropractor has done the program, loved it and I have a cousin who is participating.

Some of the changes haven’t been too difficult.  I already chose to eliminate soft drinks from my life a decade ago.  No milk for about the same amount of time, although I eat cheese ~ oh yes! Glorious cheese!  Gluten went out the door when it seemed to ease the symptoms of Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis.

David and tried a detox for reset about two years ago.  OH MY GOODNESS!  Just bad, bad, bad.  It required eating this soup that sounded so lovely on paper, but in reality was rather horrible tasting, gave me a migraine and gave David a painful gut that had him running to the bathroom.  IT WAS AWFUL! That detox was off the list after eight hours.  It was miserable, but we do laugh about it now.

Since then we’ve been close to eating like the Whole30 program.  Buy organic, pasture raised, sustainably sourced food.  Very little processed or packaged food if any.  Making my own salad dressings.  HOWEVER, we do like a couple of glasses of red wine on the weekends, we like to snack on those lovely salty potato chips with ridges and I can’t say that I’ve been good about being gluten-free all the time.  The longest stretch was eight months.  Ever since our trip to Italy, I have been like a yo-yo about abstaining from gluten.  And I can feel it!

The primary goal for doing this was health, to see what foods nourish us and what foods aggravate us.  Secondly, as we age and our hormones start acting all crazy on us, we wanted to see what changes we could make to feel at our optimum.  And of course, some weight loss would be nice too!  For this 30 days, we changed only our eating habits.  Workouts are staying the same so we know that any changes we feel come from the change in what we choose to put in our bodies.

I didn’t want to blog about this until we were quite a ways in.  So here are some of my musings now that we are half way to our goal.

• We both felt pretty good before.  But we now feel even better.
• The program advises to weigh yourself only at the beginning and at the end.  The idea is to notice changes in the way you feel and how you function daily.  But we have noticed our clothes getting a bit looser and less love handles.
• It really does make you think about your relationship with food.  We have both concluded that we don’t eat emotionally, but some things are habitual like those crunchy, salty potato chips.  Now that I’ve broken the habit of reaching for those chips, I am pretty sure I could go without.  Not sure about David.
• David stopped drinking his favorite diet soda ~ and he didn’t die.
• I was already downing 64~ 72 ounces of water daily.  David has been drinking a lot more water.  YAY!
• I can always tell when I’ve eaten something that my body doesn’t like because it will affect my sleep.  Now I’m sleeping like a baby every night.
• David sleeps like a baby no matter what.  Unless he drinks his water too late in the evening then he has to get up three or four times to go to the bathroom.  I try to get my water all in by 7:30, if not I would be up two or three times as well.  The body adjusts and it feels good to eliminate all those toxins.
• We are proud of our discipline and commitment.  Because we share a home with my Dad & he has no desire to give up his fave anything, (at 87, why should he?! Lol), there are chips, cookies, bread and all kinds of things that are off limits to us and we just say no.
• CHEESE!  I really miss CHEESE!
• There are lots of recipes in the land of Pinterest to keep things from getting boring.  It takes some planning and preparation, but it really isn’t too difficult to modify recipes you already like.

Some things I know for when we complete the 30 days.

• I hope with all my heart that a moderate intake of cheese will only nourish and satisfy and not aggravate.
• We will be adding back wine.
• I could care less about potato chips ever again.
• I hope that David hates his diet soda now.

Some things I don’t know for when we complete the 30 days.

• We like to try different restaurants at least once per week for a date night.  We opted not to go out for this 30 days to keep things simple and avoid the temptations of the latest gastronomic creations.  (Saves money by the way.)  I am curious at what choices we will make when we resume going out.
• What the holidays will look like.  I bake very little throughout the year, but the holidays are a time to revel in the sentimental traditions of baking my grandmother’s Christmas cake, sugar cookies cut out and decorated in the shapes of Christmas, pumpkin bread, pumpkin pie . . . maybe we will have one and give the rest away?
• Although I want to be committed to being gluten-free forever, it is rather difficult when traveling.  I’m going to Japan twice next year ~ there will be so much I must pass up.  Also, we love Italy and plan to go back ~ do you know how good bread is in Italy? And the cheese?  and the wine?

If you are contemplating the Whole30 program, in the middle of it or have completed it, I would love to know your thoughts, questions, advice and what changes you noticed in your overall well-being, cravings and any tips and tricks that helped you.

I will write another post about the program at the end of our 30 days!  Hugs and smiles!

Change . . .

is hard at first, messy in the middle and gorgeous at the end.  Robin Sharma

 

"Strength!  Courage!       Don't be timid; don't get discouraged. God, your God, is with you every step you take." Joshua 1:9

 

My life has certainly seen it’s fair amount of changes ~ sometimes I think more than its fair share.  As a little girl, I remember wanting to just stay put.  Being the daughter of an army officer lent itself to many moves ~ try three different schools in second grade in two different countries.  The truth is although I was shy and feared the thought of not making new friends in new places, I always felt safe because my parents were my constant.

Beginning five years ago my life underwent enormous change; the demise of a 23-year marriage, a whirlwind courtship, re-marriage, a move to another state, becoming a step-mom and my daughters leaving the nest.  Unplanned circumstances in a life that likes to plan and organize to the smallest detail.  In the midst of all the external changes; the heartbreak and grief of letting go of a long-fought battle, the questions asked through floods of tears at why my prayers were answered so differently than I had envisioned, the wonderment at being given the gift of true love and feeling like everything in life is a dream from which I could awake at any moment.  To say that life felt surreal is an understatement.

Fast forward to the present; leaving behind sons I have grown to love, leaving a job I enjoyed immensely, saying goodbye to new friends made and leaving a home I cherished.  I was painting rooms, painting cabinets and replacing carpet in my home for someone else.  I was purging and packing with the knowledge that many of these things would go in storage for the undetermined future and I wouldn’t see them for a while.  I seemed to suffer a temporary packing paralysis.  Thank God for my husband or it may not have gotten done.

The unknown and what the future holds has never been the worry for me.  My struggle with change has been letting go of what I’ve had in the past and at this present moment.  Loss of friendships, loss of my work identity, loss of my little corner of the world.  But what God has taught me is that these are not losses, these are seasons through which we pass to grow into the next.  Some things turn out exactly as planned, some things go terribly wrong, most of the time we end up not where we expected but someplace much better.

Sometimes change happens because we make a decision and follow through.  Sometimes change happens to us due to external forces over which we have no control and we have to navigate the ride.  Whatever the reasons or however scary, change can invigorate, revitalize and transform us if we let it.

Of one thing I am certain.  Certain with every fiber of my being because my life has been a collection of countless examples of this truth ~ I am certain of God’s love, certain of His faithfulness, certain that no matter what the trials and tribulations, God has my back, certain that although He may not answer prayers in the way I am expecting, He will answer them in ways I could never fathom.  He has been, is now, and always will be my constant.

Do you have a story of change that might encourage another?

Amazing Grace . . .

That saved a wretch like me.

For many years, I had the wonderful privilege of playing Mary, the mother of Jesus in my church's production of the Easter Story.  The production depicted the story from the time Jesus entered Jerusalem, the last supper, the Garden of Gethsemane, the arrest, trial, beating, crucifixion and finally the resurrection.  I did not speak ~ not a word.  I looked on and cried ~ a lot.

I often received compliments for how well I acted out the depth of emotion.  Every year my response was the same ~ thank you.  But inside I was thinking it wasn't because I'm a good actress, those were real tears, real gut wrenching sobs ~ just undeniably raw, intense and grateful gut wrenching sobs.

I lost count so I don't remember how many years I played the part, but each year I spent about a few weeks always on the edge of spilling tears.  See, it wasn't just the performances, but re-enacting and living the intense emotion through rehearsals as well.  I am not complaining, because all those tears as hot as they felt running down my face, were cleansing and healing beyond imagining.

I wasn't just crying because I empathized with Mary.  Of course I imagined the pain she must have felt watching her Son be put to death in such a horrific manner and yet knowing that just as her womb was chosen by God to be the vessel for the Christ-child, that her Son was fulfilling the promise of all time.  I was also crying in amazement at the incredible sacrifice of the Lamb of God.  He did this for me, for you, for all humankind and for one reason ~ because He loves us so much and He wants to be with us forever.
 
When I looked on as He was being beaten, nailed to and then hung on the cross, I looked on as a mother.  But the moment I touched Him and crumpled at the foot of the cross, the gut wrenching sobs came because I was crying for me . . . for the times when I was dishonest, selfish, mean, jealous, lied, manipulative . . . well the list could go on.  For every good thing I am or have done, there are so many things I have said and done that leave me in abject shame.  In that moment, I was struck with the depravity that exists in humankind ~ which includes me.  And yet, God so graciously and lovingly suffered for me, for my sins, for all our sins, so that we can live forever and know a love beyond compare and the tears flowed ~ tears of pain, tears of sorrow, tears of apology ~ but mostly tears of gratefulness for the beautiful gift of amazing grace.